Right, left, left, left, right, left, left, right, pause in awe of a dramatic scene. Like clockwork, my daily routine diluted into Tinder swiping, Mad Men binging, and ice cream eating for my two-and-a-half weeks at home. Did I do it for the lawls? It happened of my own volition. My activities led me to realize that Don Draper is not a nice guy and many Jersey girls “ love country music and EDM <3 <3 <3”. So yeah, I took this break seriously and turned it into a complete mental shutdown.
Well, not completely.
Superficially, I resembled the common college-aged bum but in the background, the gears were whirring. Friends, check. Parents, check. Younger siblings, check. All persons I prioritized on seeing one more time before the 15-month-long excursion were seen. Visa acquired, bags packed, Chet Faker heard all within the same week. I was running. Like, literally running. At least for a few miles every other day. All done without stroking my ego… until now.
Apologies to all those thinking I may be an egomaniacal ass with my previous comment. My final few hours in the States are winding down with ever growing speed. In parallel, my gratefulness for the support of my family, friends, and the Light Fellowship grows ever greater. Without them, none of this would even be possible. Clichés aside, the process, although burdensome, provided great rewards and honed my patience. Surprisingly, convincing my parents that the upcoming gap year meant more to me than my time at Yale was easy. Back in the day, ten-year-old Mahir struggled in convincing his parents to allow him to sleep over his friend’s house. After a dozen research reports and a few straw polls, the rejection still stood. The ease with which they accepted my decision left me with feelings of gratitude. And with it—adulthood.
Shit.
I leave 19 but will return 21. By drinking age standards, I guess that makes me pretty adult. With your parents not viewing you as a child any longer, comes great responsibility. And with it, fear. I am finishing up Kurt Vonnegut’s Slaughterhouse V that I borrowed indefinitely from my suite mate (sorry, Jeremy). Vonnegut goes on so nonchalantly about Billy Pilgrim and how he’s unstuck in time. I’m nearing the end and it’s falling in place with the time I leave. So it goes. I know how I say I am not nervous and thinking more about it, it’s worse. I know I will be alone for periods at a time. I hate being alone. I shrink up inside. It ruins my ability to think rationally. I joke about my abandonment issues often but honestly, loneliness makes me weak. To make it all worse, it’s not the fear of loneliness that is lurking inside, it’s the fear of not being able to escape loneliness when it hits. I don’t want to be unstuck in time with that feeling. Am I honestly ready to immerse myself?
Hell yeah, I am.
Fear sucks, but waiting sucks even more. I have patience but I’ve grown to realize perfect timing is not my strong suit. It kept me from taking a gap year before college. With that, came the downhill. My premature sophomore slump during freshman year resembled the opening credits of Mad Men. Sure, grades were poor, but what hurt was the disappointment my parents had when I barely spoke to them and the feelings of abandonment they held. My love life was a void. Priorities did not exist. I almost took the easy way out by dropping out. My suitemates and friends saved me from making that mistake. They got me back on my feet. My focus kept me going. Meditation aided my coming to terms with my perfectionist desires. The last year helped me hone my patience and prioritize my goals. But I am not going to wait for the right time to figure out whether or not my goals and I work well together. I need to know now. I will find out in the next year. Either, I will end up coming back in overdrive or with some new ideals. Regardless, I am ready to go learn.
But who says I shouldn’t have fun while learning?
